Metamorphosis...

Honesty...
Josh and I were having a discussion this morning about being honest. And a couple days ago, Mandy was talking about superficiality...They tie together. Why is it so hard to be honest, and why is it so hard at times to be real with people, sometimes even the people we are closest to? I think that it is something that God has woven into our complex design. We long for intimacy, for realness. For honesty...So why is it so difficult? Why can't we just be open and real with one another? Is it because we are so afraid of what people might think of us? Or is it something deeper, maybe something personal, maybe something in our past, that doesn't allow us to feel like we can be so bold. So, honest. I think for me, it's a little of both.
And as I begin this school here in Chile, that is something I desire to see come forth and battle with, to learn about myself and what it is about me that maybe I don't like, somethings that I do like, and things I genuinely need to work on and become confident in who I am, and who God created me to be. It both excites me and terrifies me at the same time. Because who wants to admit to their struggles, and be in conflict with your past, isn't it sometimes the wall you lean on, as weak as it may be, just to keep going?
For me, I know that my dad had played a big part in how I am today, and I'm not justifing it, and saying it is him who is to blame, but something deep inside of me knows that he had a very negative role in my life that left be broken and afraid. To this day, I often have nightmares, nightmares where he's chasing me, or yelling at me and I wake up, knowing that he's no longer around and part of my life but still shaking and desperate to let it all out. To let this fear and emotional baggage be released. It seems to like it should almost be easy, to just let go. And pretend like it never happened. But obviously, there is still a personal battle going on underneath the surface if I still have these nightmares. Granted, they aren't going to just disapear, because ultimetly, it was the way everyday of my life was spent up until now. I dream of my life later on, with a husband and a family, and look towards that light and hold on to it, because it helps get me through the day. Knowing that some bright and hopeful future is in store for me, because I know that God has promised it (Jeremiah 29:11).
And there are so many insecurities inside of me that I battle with daily. Why can't I be pretty like that girl? Why don't my clothes fit on my body like they do on her? Why can't I be more outgoing, like him/her? Why am I so shy sometimes? Why isn't it okay to just be me? To be happy with who God has created me to be? It hurts Josh and I'm sure my mom too, when these honest feelings come out. To know that I don't feel pretty, or worth much. But this is something personal that I am learning to deal with...For example, I don't like my teeth at all. When I was little my mom gave me antibiotics that colored my teeth (It's okay, Mum). But they are permanetly yellow in lots of places, and I hate it because it looks like I don't take care of my teeth. I tried Crest whitestrips and I just wanted to cry to discover it didn't work. I was so pleased to see the result of my braces though, when they were taken off, all my teeth were in the perfect place. But still yellow. And my gums, I inherited my dad's gummy smile and really don't like the way my gums always show when I smile, or laugh. Josh (and everyone!) tells me I'm beautful just the way I am (and thank you for that, many times it's helped me be more secure in myself) but to be perfectly honest - I long for it to just be fixed so it's something I don't have to think about anymore, to feel like when people look at me that it's all they see (Which I know is not true, but you know what I mean?) Mum and I have talked to the dentist before about this, and because it's not something really needed it won't be covered under healthcare because it's cosmetic. But if it means so much to me, it's definitely something I'm wlling to save for. Do you know what I mean? To walk down the aisle someday, with my teeth the way they are...Wedding photos? Mommy why are your teeth yellow? *shudder*
We asked about what the dentist could do, and he said they could surgecially remove some of my gum out (gum minimizing) to make it so not so much shows when I smile, because technically there is nothing there (teeth wise) it's just gums. Sounds kinda gross I know, and then of course they could cap my teeth. I would be satisfied even if it were just the five or six front ones, but I believe it's somewhere in the range of 400-600 bucks a tooth. No lie...but I really would love that. To look in the mirror and smile! To actually smile for the camera, not just with my lips, so you can't see my teeth. I've noticed I've become a little better for that, but not close ups! Heaven forbid...When people ask, if there was one thing you could change about you, what would it be? Lord, please. My teeth.
I'm not overweight, but I know I could be more active, eat better, and get my weight under better control...Ultimetly though, I am definitely learning to be satisfied...I don't want to slap God in the face and say thanks, but honestly, couldn't you have done better? I don't want that to be what this is about, I just want to be more okay with what who I am...Is that bad? You know, I guess when you think in a wordly perspective, if it's something that money alone can fix, why not? Right?
I just...I hope this will be a time that God will teach me to happy with not only the pyhsical things I don't like about me, but inside too...Sometimes I think I might be annoying to other people. Did I have to say that? I really wish I could have taken that comment back I said this morning...Ever feel like that? I'm such a people pleaser, and if I think something I might say, that that someone may not like, I won't say anything. And I find it hard to share my opinion...won't people think I'm stupid, or that was so off topic. Ultimetly I think too much about what people might think about me. Being with Josh is good sometimes I think, because he's the opposite, he doesn't care what people think about him, and he's okay with who he is. I love that about him, admire it. I wish I could be more like that...I'm bad with that too, comparing myself to others...God I want to be okay with who I am! I really do!
So I pray that this will be a growing time for me here, to spend time with God and learn to be more confident and okay with who God has created me to be. Because I am His princess and He loves me more then anything...I say that to other people when I know they don't feel okay about who they are or they feel fat or stupid or unbeautiful...But do I believe it myself? Sometimes I wonder...I have a family and Josh...who I know loves me immensely. God, help me please to accept the wonderful person you've made...Josh says I have the "most beautiful personality" God, help me to believe that! (Thanks honey :)Lord, create in me a metamorphosis...Let my whole outlook become centered on You, and not me! I love you, Jesus!


Oh, and quickly - I just have a prayer request. I burned my hand with hot water earlier this week, we went to the hospital and they bandaged me up. If you could just pray for quick healing as I am pretty much unable to use my left hand (I'm left handed). And I wasn't eating right, not allowing my stomach to get used to the food here so I was sick all day yesterday...and then I ate chocolate today that had hazelnut...and am sick once again. *sigh* Anyways, I should be resting I suppose. Much love and bye for now!